Those are some favourites. More will follow. Contributions welcome.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is a woman and behind his downfall is another woman"
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?